Coach O'Dacre

I've had many coaches in my day playing several sports, but none quite like my hockey coach, Coach O'Dacre.

Let me take you back to when I first met him. I was a freshman coming off my first season of high school hockey. I knew that our coach we had that year was being fired and a new coach was to replace him. Coach O'Dacre, O.D. for short, held some off season practices and sent emails out to all the kids who'd play the previous season. My brother and I got the invite and decided it would be good to meet him. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first thing he said to me and my brother was this (brace yourselves) "If you f*** with me I will make your lives f***ing miserable." Then he smiled and told us what a great season we were going to have. And we did. That year, we came in second place on varsity in the playoffs, and third in the regular season.

The next year I tore my ACL, MCL, and Meniscus in my knee. When I told the coach he called me a few choice words (in good humor), told me to stop being a (insert vulgarity here), then proceeded telling me "back in his day" stories about how tough he was. "I'm tellin' ya' Welser, back in my day I'd've taken a shot in the knee before every game and been on the ice playing fine. I can't tell you how many times i've played injured. Ya' ought to tell that mother of yours to stop babying you, Jesus Christ!"

Sentimental interlude: I love my coach O.D., he really is one of the funniest and greatest men I know even if he comes off as a little rough on the edges. He loves each if his players and, I believe, shows it by yelling because, he says, if he didn't care about us he wouldn't yell and try to make us better.he know more about hockey than anyone I know and has a deep passion for the game and yelling at referees.

This year, I was back and playing in tip top shape. I got the privilege of being coached by him again and I improved tremendously under his wing. But back to coach. If you haven't gathered it already, O.D. enjoys curse words. It can be safely said that O.D. doesn't curse like a sailor, sailors curse like O.D. In one particular practice, coming off a weekend of loss, he was ripping into our team with a five minute speech about God-knows-what, and I decided, a minute into the speech, I'd count all the variations of "f" words he said and how many times he said them. He said 65 "f" word variations in 4 minutes, that's 16.25 per minute! I wasn't even counting the other cuss words added in! This man has talent like you've never seen. He also told me once, after I'd missed the net on several shots, "Jesus, Welser, you couldn't score in a whore-house with a fistful of 50's!" This man is creative.

O.D. taught us beyond the ice as well. He has a story to go with everything! Before the end of our season our team was told that he had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and that though they'd caught it early on, it was still dangerous. We were all devastated that such a tough guy could be sick like that. He seemed invincible in the way he spoke to all of us and acted. When he was receiving surgery, a few weeks later, he was unable to make a weekend of games in South Dakota. That weekend, I played probably the worst hockey of my life. A shot of mine actually went a good 20 feet over the net (I'm not exaggerating). I got scored on by some bender (see wayne gretzky post) twice and I was just awful. I was worried that my coach wasn't going to be ok and it affected me greatly. Next week, he attended practice, against his doctor's strict orders, and told all of us he was fine. As it turns out, when he went back in later and talked to the doctor who had fantastic news. They told O.D. everything was great and he was actually cleared to be back with us, but was advised against yelling so much.

When I talked to him about everything and told him I was excited to hear he was in good health he said, "Eh, it takes whole lot more than that s*** to kill a tough old bastard like me. Maybe you should take notes Welser, so ya can stop being such a p**** all the time."

Welser, out.

Atheism: Belief in Not Believing.

I know that religion is a subject that has sparked debate everywhere for quite some time. I am a christian. Lutheran, to get specific. I realize others have their own beliefs, I understand that their entitled to their beliefs, and I know what I say to them probably will not convert them. However, it has been my experience that among all the people that are religious, the people who care the most about trying to convert you are the people who don't even believe in ANYTHING. For example, when i talk to someone who is jewish or islamic or whatever, and they ask me what religion i am they usually don't take the conversation any further in that direction when i say I'm a christian. But with atheists, it seems, when I say I'm christian they always have something to say! They'll smirk, laugh sarcastically, and act like I'm some idiot. "Hahaha! Are you serious?" Nope, I'm wearing this cross because I'm really into perpendicular lines. Then they continue badgering me for around 15 minutes telling me how dumb I am and how ridiculous my beliefs are. I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD THINK. If you are an atheist who likes to be a divine prophet of nothingness, spreading the good word of nothing, next time you're about to really stick it to a believer, go ahead and stick it elsewhere. Welser, OUT!

Who is Wayne Gretzky?

Most of the time, I actually kind of enjoy the company of the opposite sex. But, the other day I encountered several girls who had no idea The Great One is. I found this out because when I was talking about Wayne, these broads interrupted me by asking "Who is Wayne Gretzky?" I thought they were joking. I HOPED they were joking. Then, the other girl net to her said "I think he's a football player." If I had a blunt object I would've repeatedly beat myself with it. I would've said something to them but I was speechless. After a minute of silent self reflection, I said/yelled "He's the best hockey player who ever lived! How do you not know who he is!?!" One replied, " I don't know, no one cares about hockey." Luckily, I've been slapped in the face before so this was a familiar feeling. I then replied "Carrie Underwood does!" then I stormed out. A few days after this little incident I was watching the San Jose sharks vs. The Chicago Blackhawks With my friend Conor Naab. Long story short, the same event occurred. To add insult to emotional injury after the third period he asked, "So how long until the fourth quarter starts?" I then realized that I was surrounded by people who know absolutely nothing of hockey. I have to do something about this. I decided to blog a few important things about hockey for you all. To start with, Wayne mother f***ing Gretzky (yes, that's his middle name) is the best hockey player who ever lived. He nearly attained 3000 career NHL points and is basically the Michael Jordan/Tiger Woods of hockey. If you don't know who Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods are... Then may God have mercy on your soul. Anyway, lets get to some hockey terminology. Bender- a hockey player who skates bowlegged and generally isn't good. Gongshow- basically a crazy insane experience in a hockey game. Flood- when zambonies clean the ice. Radar shot- a huge wind-up for a shot. Period- the time interval in which they play. Goal- when the puck goes in the net. Now, do yourself a favor and watch the playoffs on Versus network, use a few of these words, and impress all of your friends with your vast knowledge of the sport. Welser, OUT.

Ceeing Cena

About a week ago, I had an experience i know i will never forget. I saw JOHN CENA. It started as any normal monday on spring break i guess. I worked out at the Y, shot a beebee gun with my friend Josh Anders, and went to the driving range. Things started to get juicy a little later on at roughly 10:47p.m. I found myself playing VolleyTennis (which is volleyball on a tennis court (it's basically spike CITY)) with a few of my friends. The lights went out on the court at around 9:24 and we had long since been playing in the dark. Kyle Randolph, Logan Ryser, Blake Forsberg, Keith Wangler, and Myself were in the middle of a heated game when the 5-0 decided to show up and rain on our parade. Officer Buzzkillington told us that someone had complained that we were being a tad loud, and we had to end our game prematurely. After the game we went to keith's across the street and enjoyed his mother's hospitality. We left keith's and asked kyle if he would like to join Blake, Logan, and I in a JBC (Junior Bacon Cheeseburger) run to Wendy's. His declination of that offer would prove to big a HUGE life mistake. As we rode in Blake's car we approached a large bus. I'd seen some buses by the iWireless Center earlier that day so I said aloud, "Dude, I bet that's John Cena's bus!" We all laughed and Blake said he wanted to follow it and find out. The bus parked in the empty Carlos O'Kelly's lot and Blake parked at Steak & Shake. Then we waited... Until a man came out of the bus and proceeded toward S&S. Then someone in another car with a bunch of lil' kids said "IT'S CENA'S BUS!" and started crowding the bus. We needed something for him to sign stat! we took a look around Blake's car and saw the VolleyTennis ball. Perfect. Logan grabbed it and ran to the bus. When we got there we looked in the front bus window only to see JOHN CENA sitting in the driver's seat! It was awesome!!! Us, along with about ten other people, were trying to get him out of the bus but he just sat there not paying any attention to any of us! We sat there and kept this up for a good eight minutes and he just ignored us! I guess his catch phrase, "You can't see me," has really gotten to his head so that he thinks people really can't actually see him. Now, I wouldn't have minded not getting an autograph but he didn't even get out for two seconds and sign anything for the little kids who actually went to his thing that night and were wearing his tee shirts. Maybe I just don't understand the life of a celebrity but I think if my bus driver was getting me steak and shake I would be able to take five minutes for my fans especially little kids wearing my tee shirt. Maybe his jorts (Jean shorts) were riding up a little more than usual that day and he decided to take it out on his biggest little fans and some lame kids trying to get him to sign their volleyball. Maybe he was too tired of fake beating up other sweaty muscular dudes. Maybe he's an asshole. Welser, OUT.

Charlie "Chokehold" Sheen Vs. Tiger "Two-Timin" Woods

In a world where there are more than a few things that don't exactly sit well with me, each of these fine gentlemen's recent actions have captivated my attention. If you have yet to hear of one or either of these stories, I will give you a quick low down on the situations.

Charlie Sheen, an actor best know for his hit show "Two and a Half Men," had the police called on him by his wife this past Christmas. Sheen and wife, Brooke Mueller, came home late and had been drinking that evening. Well, one thing led to another and ol' Chaz decided to choke and hold a knife to his dearly beloved.

Now Tiger on the other hand, was found to be cheating on his extremely beautiful supermodel wife with what is now said to be eleven different mistresses (according to topgelato.com). In his defense, I have a feeling that more than a few of those girls are lying through their teeth just to be in the spotlight.

At this point, you're probably wondering why all of this is relevant. These stories don't sit well with me because Tiger is the one losing endorsements and enduring a staggering amount of public ridicule while Sheen is not even in jail or on trial or, compared to Tiger, in the news at all. As a matter of fact, the ratings of his show have skyrocketed! I guess beating up your wife just isn't as serious as it used to be. Well now if i ever have a television show of my own that needs a boost in the ratings, I'll know that all I have to do is beat up my wife.

Tiger has to hide to escape hordes of paparazzi while Charlie celebrates his highest ratings ever? I understand that what Tiger did was terrible but honestly if anyone else on the PGA Tour did the same thing it wouldn't be anywhere near the front page. God only knows what would happen if Tiger would have held a knife to his spouse. It's probably what every journalist in the world has wet dreams about.

By now I'm sure I've exceeded the word limit (whatever it was) by quite a bit. But to limit my thoughts and feelings on such a subject would be like clipping the wings of a majestic eagle. Though both of these gentlemen are complete idiots, it just seems quite unfair that one suffers in solidarity while another sits back and watches his career soar. It all just a load of unjust bullspit. Welser, OUT!